No Recipes

I like to cook without recipes. Sometimes, I would lay out all my ingredients on the kitchen table, start cooking, and to my own amusement, end up with a completely different dish than I had originally intended. This has been an ongoing phenomenon that even I, myself, cannot explain.

I went to Bulgaria on June 29 trying to write my own story. I laid down all my expectations and goals on my journal, and to my amazement, came back with entirely different lessons than I had planned. Though, there is an explanation to this occurrence. It is because the God we serve is a humorous God who works in unexpected ways; ways that are seemingly ridiculous to men.

Going to Bulgaria, I thought God will be focusing on helping me surrender control over to Him and healing me from my self-worth issues. I went into Bulgaria with many fears. (Fear of making mistakes, fear that my attitudes of pride and inferiority will get in the way of me serving, fear of the lack of control, fear of discouragement from not being able to see immediate fruits of my labor, fear of my inflexibility to changes, etc.) I basically feared that I was not good enough and did not have the resources to undertake the challenges ahead of me.

“July 3, 07: Dear Daddy…I started today feeling pretty good… but I suddenly hit a point where things didn’t really go right, that I wasn’t really the happy person I portrayed myself to be. I was experiencing a culmination of all the hardships I had experienced over the last year.”

That day, we were painting the staff office. After lunch, dehydration took a toll on me. That meant going to the bathroom every five minutes. Then, I realized that I was frustrated because of the missing luggage (My luggage never left San Francisco and eventually came in a week later.) and I had not been honest with myself for three days as I brushed off my frustrations with superficial smiles because I wanted to be the perfect missionary. I was suffering from a bad case of the “perfect missionary syndrome”. To top it off, I was chiding myself for not having the greatest attitude when painting. That day, I broke down. God broke me down as He reminded me that I cannot do it on my own.

A couple days later, we proceeded onward to the city of Stara Zagora for the service projects. There, I encountered the first group of Bulgarians and immediately had culture shock. The perpetual miscommunications with one particular student frustrated me. Things did not go according to my expectations. With the culture and language barriers, I realize more that I cannot rely on my own strength and wisdom to interact with people.

For many years, I have been struggling with feelings of insignificance and inadequacies. To me, it is almost like the “thorn on my flesh”. I have asked God many times to take it away from me. But time and time again, He tells me, “Sam, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness”. So yes, evidence told me that I am not good enough to undertake the challenges ahead of me. I also have proof that I do not have enough resources. But that wasn't the end of the story.

During the English camp, we had an opportunity to visit a piano bar in the city of Varna. The pianist was accompanying a singer who was obviously high on drugs. The performers extended the invitation to play piano and sign and while they were playing pop/jazz tunes, Trif, our host, came up to me and encouraged me to play some worship songs. I was laughing inwardly at the idea because the idea’s just ridiculous. But God made the impossible happen. In about ten minutes, I found myself leading about 20 people to worship, singing “Holy, holy, holy, we want to see You”. It was church for 15 minutes. Even the singer joined us in worship.

The chords progressions or the rhythms to Amazing Grace were not half as complex as the secular songs. It was definitely not just the music but it is the presence of God that touched the hearts of those in the piano bar. God uses the simple to shame the complex.

There was a guy… a tough strong guy, whom I was, at first, intimidated by. He was very knowledgeable and he had a militaristic look about him. On the last day of camp, God gave me the opportunity to share my testimony with him. I felt like Esther talking to King Xerxes as God gave me the wisdom and tact to reach out to him. I felt like little David approaching a man whose outward toughness resemble the one of Goliath’s and God gave me the boldness to stand up against such an unbreakable wall.

I have always thought that my voice is so small and so insignificant. I felt like I had nothing to offer to the body of Christ. But, who would have thought that a tiny bottle of Chinese oil (白花油)that I brought could be used for service? Who would have thought that Japanese origami Cranes could serve as a powerful tool for non-verbal communication with the elderly at the soup kitchen, the children at the orphanages, the Roma villagers and the people with physical disabilities?

“God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.” (1 Corinthians 1:27)

When God the Gardener (John 15), prunes, and removes weeds in our lives, he reaches down and pulls out the weeds from their roots. Throughout this trip, God has been opening my eyes to the root issues of my life. Self-worth issues are manifestations of my brokenness.

After this trip, I have a better understanding about the body of Christ. We are all broken people. But God can use any one of us, even someone who has a small voice like me. I expected God to address the surface problems that are visible to men; visible to me. The unexpected thing was how God's healing process started deep down from the root issue by allowing me to understand that I am broken and despite the fact that I am a broken vessel, God still chose to use me for His glory. I know I cannot boast about anything because when I am tempted to take pride in my own abilities, I remember that it is God's power that is made perfect in my weakness.

I cannot speak about literal cooking because after all, I am not the greatest chef. But quite literally, I believe spiritually, it’s better to cook without recipes. It is important to surrender our plans to God and allow Him to act. God works in unexpected ways. These lessons are invaluable and will serve as tools that can change my attitude and how I approach matters back home.